When it began to grow dark, the Rat, with an air of excitement
and mystery, summoned them back into the parlour, stood each of
them up alongside of his little heap, and proceeded to dress them
up for the coming expedition. He was very earnest and
thoroughgoing about it, and the affair took quite a long time.
First, there was a belt to go round each animal, and then a sword
to be stuck into each belt, and then a cutlass on the other side
to balance it. Then a pair of pistols, a policeman's truncheon,
several sets of handcuffs, some bandages and sticking-plaster,
and a flask and a sandwich-case. The Badger laughed good-
humouredly and said, ‘All right, Ratty! It amuses you and it
doesn't hurt me. I'm going to do all I've got to do with this
here stick.' But the Rat only said, ‘PLEASE, Badger.
You know I shouldn't like you to blame me afterwards and say
I had forgotten ANYTHING!'
When all was quite ready, the Badger took a dark lantern in one
paw, grasped his great stick with the other, and said, ‘Now then,
follow me! Mole first, ‘cos I'm very pleased with him; Rat next;
Toad last. And look here, Toady! Don't you chatter so much as
usual, or you'll be sent back, as sure as fate!'
The Toad was so anxious not to be left out that he took up the
inferior position assigned to him without a murmur, and the
animals set off. The Badger led them along by the river for a
little way, and then suddenly swung himself over the edge into a
hole in the river-bank, a little above the water. The Mole and
the Rat followed silently, swinging themselves successfully into
the hole as they had seen the Badger do; but when it came to
Toad's turn, of course he managed to slip and fall into the water
with a loud splash and a squeal of alarm. He was hauled out by
his friends, rubbed down and wrung out hastily, comforted, and
set on his legs; but the Badger was seriously angry, and told him
that the very next time he made a fool of himself he would
most certainly be left behind.
So at last they were in the secret passage, and the cutting-out
expedition had really begun!
It was cold, and dark, and damp, and low, and narrow, and poor
Toad began to shiver, partly from dread of what might be before
him, partly because he was wet through. The lantern was far
ahead, and he could not help lagging behind a little in the
darkness. Then he heard the Rat call out warningly, ‘COME on,
Toad!' and a terror seized him of being left behind, alone in the
darkness, and he ‘came on' with such a rush that he upset the Rat
into the Mole and the Mole into the Badger, and for a moment all
was confusion. The Badger thought they were being attacked from
behind, and, as there was no room to use a stick or a cutlass,
drew a pistol, and was on the point of putting a bullet into
Toad. When he found out what had really happened he was very
angry indeed, and said, ‘Now this time that tiresome Toad
SHALL be left behind!'
But Toad whimpered, and the other two promised that they would be
answerable for his good conduct, and at last the Badger was
pacified, and the procession moved on; only this time the Rat
brought up the rear, with a firm grip on the shoulder of Toad.
So they groped and shuffled along, with their ears pricked up and
their paws on their pistols, till at last the Badger said, ‘We
ought by now to be pretty nearly under the Hall.'
Then suddenly they heard, far away as it might be, and yet
apparently nearly over their heads, a confused murmur of sound,
as if people were shouting and cheering and stamping on the floor
and hammering on tables. The Toad's nervous terrors all
returned, but the Badger only remarked placidly, ‘They ARE
going it, the Weasels!'
The passage now began to slope upwards; they groped onward a
little further, and then the noise broke out again, quite
distinct this time, and very close above them. ‘Ooo-ray-ooray-
oo-ray-ooray!' they heard, and the stamping of little feet on the
floor, and the clinking of glasses as little fists pounded on the
table. ‘WHAT a time they're having!' said the Badger. ‘Come
on!' They hurried along the passage till it came to a full stop,
and they found themselves standing under the trap-door that
led up into the butler's pantry.
Such a tremendous noise was going on in the banqueting-hall that
there was little danger of their being overheard. The Badger
said, ‘Now, boys, all together!' and the four of them put their
shoulders to the trap-door and heaved it back. Hoisting each
other up, they found themselves standing in the pantry, with only
a door between them and the banqueting-hall, where their
unconscious enemies were carousing.
The noise, as they emerged from the passage, was simply
deafening. At last, as the cheering and hammering slowly
subsided, a voice could be made out saying, ‘Well, I do not
propose to detain you much longer'--(great applause)--‘but before
I resume my seat'--(renewed cheering)--‘I should like to say one
word about our kind host, Mr. Toad. We all know Toad!'--(great
laughter)--‘GOOD Toad, MODEST Toad, HONEST Toad!'
(shrieks of merriment).
‘Only just let me get at him!' muttered Toad, grinding his teeth.
‘Hold hard a minute!' said the Badger, restraining him with
difficulty. ‘Get ready, all of you!'
‘--Let me sing you a little song,' went on the voice, ‘which I
have composed on the subject of Toad'--(prolonged applause).
Then the Chief Weasel--for it was he--began in a high, squeaky
voice--
‘Toad he went a-pleasuring
Gaily down the street--'
The Badger drew himself up, took a firm grip of his stick with
both paws, glanced round at his comrades, and cried--
‘The hour is come! Follow me!'
And flung the door open wide.
My!
What a squealing and a squeaking and a screeching filled the air!
Well might the terrified weasels dive under the tables and spring
madly up at the windows! Well might the ferrets rush wildly for
the fireplace and get hopelessly jammed in the chimney! Well
might tables and chairs be upset, and glass and china be sent
crashing on the floor, in the panic of that terrible moment when
the four Heroes strode wrathfully into the room! The mighty
Badger, his whiskers bristling, his great cudgel whistling
through the air; Mole, black and grim, brandishing his stick and
shouting his awful war-cry, ‘A Mole! A Mole!' Rat; desperate
and determined, his belt bulging with weapons of every age and
every variety; Toad, frenzied with excitement and injured pride,
swollen to twice his ordinary size, leaping into the air and
emitting Toad-whoops that chilled them to the marrow! ‘Toad he
went a-pleasuring!' he yelled. ‘I'LL pleasure 'em!' and he
went straight for the Chief Weasel. They were but four in all,
but to the panic-stricken weasels the hall seemed full of
monstrous animals, grey, black, brown and yellow, whooping and
flourishing enormous cudgels; and they broke and fled with
squeals of terror and dismay, this way and that, through the
windows, up the chimney, anywhere to get out of reach of those
terrible sticks.
The affair was soon over. Up and down, the whole length of the
hall, strode the four Friends, whacking with their sticks at
every head that showed itself; and in five minutes the room was
cleared. Through the broken windows the shrieks of terrified
weasels escaping across the lawn were borne faintly to their
ears; on the floor lay prostrate some dozen or so of the enemy,
on whom the Mole was busily engaged in fitting handcuffs. The
Badger, resting from his labours, leant on his stick and wiped
his honest brow.
‘Mole,' he said,' ‘you're the best of fellows! Just cut along
outside and look after those stoat-sentries of yours, and see
what they're doing. I've an idea that, thanks to you, we shan't
have much trouble from them to-night!'
The Mole vanished promptly through a window; and the Badger bade
the other two set a table on its legs again, pick up knives and
forks and plates and glasses from the debris on the floor, and
see if they could find materials for a supper. ‘I want some
grub, I do,' he said, in that rather common way he had of
speaking. ‘Stir your stumps, Toad, and look lively! We've got
your house back for you, and you don't offer us so much as a
sandwich.' Toad felt rather hurt that the Badger didn't say
pleasant things to him, as he had to the Mole, and tell him what
a fine fellow he was, and how splendidly he had fought; for he
was rather particularly pleased with himself and the way he had
gone for the Chief Weasel and sent him flying across the
table with one blow of his stick. But he bustled about, and so
did the Rat, and soon they found some guava jelly in a glass
dish, and a cold chicken, a tongue that had hardly been touched,
some trifle, and quite a lot of lobster salad; and in the pantry
they came upon a basketful of French rolls and any quantity of
cheese, butter, and celery. They were just about to sit down
when the Mole clambered in through the window, chuckling, with an
armful of rifles.
‘It's all over,' he reported. ‘From what I can make out, as soon
as the stoats, who were very nervous and jumpy already, heard the
shrieks and the yells and the uproar inside the hall, some of
them threw down their rifles and fled. The others stood fast for
a bit, but when the weasels came rushing out upon them they
thought they were betrayed; and the stoats grappled with the
weasels, and the weasels fought to get away, and they wrestled
and wriggled and punched each other, and rolled over and over,
till most of 'em rolled into the river! They've all disappeared
by now, one way or another; and I've got their rifles. So that's
all right!'
‘Excellent and deserving animal!' said the Badger, his mouth full
of chicken and trifle. ‘Now, there's just one more thing I want
you to do, Mole, before you sit down to your supper along of us;
and I wouldn't trouble you only I know I can trust you to see a
thing done, and I wish I could say the same of every one I know.
I'd send Rat, if he wasn't a poet. I want you to take those
fellows on the floor there upstairs with you, and have some
bedrooms cleaned out and tidied up and made really comfortable.
See that they sweep UNDER the beds, and put clean sheets and
pillow-cases on, and turn down one corner of the bed-clothes,
just as you know it ought to be done; and have a can of hot
water, and clean towels, and fresh cakes of soap, put in each
room. And then you can give them a licking a-piece, if it's any
satisfaction to you, and put them out by the back-door, and we
shan't see any more of THEM, I fancy. And then come along and
have some of this cold tongue. It's first rate. I'm very
pleased with you, Mole!'
The goodnatured Mole picked up a stick, formed his prisoners up
in a line on the floor, gave them the order ‘Quick march!' and
led his squad off to the upper floor. After a time, he
appeared again, smiling, and said that every room was ready, and
as clean as a new pin. ‘And I didn't have to lick them, either,'
he added. ‘I thought, on the whole, they had had licking enough
for one night, and the weasels, when I put the point to them,
quite agreed with me, and said they wouldn't think of troubling
me. They were very penitent, and said they were extremely sorry
for what they had done. but it was all the fault of the Chief
Weasel and the stoats, and if ever they could do anything for us
at any time to make up, we had only got to mention it. So I gave
them a roll a-piece, and let them out at the back, and off they
ran, as hard as they could!'
Then the Mole pulled his chair up to the table, and pitched into
the cold tongue; and Toad, like the gentleman he was, put all his
jealousy from him, and said heartily, ‘Thank you kindly, dear
Mole, for all your pains and trouble tonight, and especially for
your cleverness this morning!' The Badger was pleased at that,
and said, ‘There spoke my brave Toad!' So they finished their
supper in great joy and contentment, and presently retired to
rest between clean sheets, safe in Toad's ancestral home,
won back by matchless valour, consummate strategy, and a proper
handling of sticks.
The following morning, Toad, who had overslept himself as usual,
came down to breakfast disgracefully late, and found on the table
a certain quantity of egg-shells, some fragments of cold and
leathery toast, a coffee-pot three-fourths empty, and really very
little else; which did not tend to improve his temper,
considering that, after all, it was his own house. Through the
French windows of the breakfast-room he could see the Mole and
the Water Rat sitting in wicker-chairs out on the lawn, evidently
telling each other stories; roaring with laughter and kicking
their short legs up in the air. The Badger, who was in an arm-
chair and deep in the morning paper, merely looked up and nodded
when Toad entered the room. But Toad knew his man, so he sat
down and made the best breakfast he could, merely observing to
himself that he would get square with the others sooner or later.
When he had nearly finished, the Badger looked up and remarked
rather shortly: ‘I'm sorry, Toad, but I'm afraid there's a heavy
morning's work in front of you. You see, we really ought to
have a Banquet at once, to celebrate this affair. It's expected
of you--in fact, it's the rule.'
‘O, all right!' said the Toad, readily. ‘Anything to oblige.
Though why on earth you should want to have a Banquet in the
morning I cannot understand. But you know I do not live to
please myself, but merely to find out what my friends want, and
then try and arrange it for 'em, you dear old Badger!'
‘Don't pretend to be stupider than you really are,' replied the
Badger, crossly; ‘and don't chuckle and splutter in your coffee
while you're talking; it's not manners. What I mean is, the
Banquet will be at night, of course, but the invitations will
have to be written and got off at once, and you've got to write
'em. Now, sit down at that table--there's stacks of letter-paper
on it, with "Toad Hall" at the top in blue and gold--and write
invitations to all our friends, and if you stick to it we shall
get them out before luncheon. And I'LL bear a hand, too; and
take my share of the burden. I'LL order the Banquet.'
‘What!' cried Toad, dismayed. ‘Me stop indoors and write a lot
of rotten letters on a jolly morning like this, when I want
to go around my property, and set everything and everybody to
rights, and swagger about and enjoy myself! Certainly not! I'll
be--I'll see you----Stop a minute, though! Why, of course, dear
Badger! What is my pleasure or convenience compared with that of
others! You wish it done, and it shall be done. Go, Badger,
order the Banquet, order what you like; then join our young
friends outside in their innocent mirth, oblivious of me and my
cares and toils. I sacrifice this fair morning on the altar of
duty and friendship!'
The Badger looked at him very suspiciously, but Toad's frank,
open countenance made it difficult to suggest any unworthy motive
in this change of attitude. He quitted the room, accordingly, in
the direction of the kitchen, and as soon as the door had closed
behind him, Toad hurried to the writing-table. A fine idea had
occurred to him while he was talking. He WOULD write the
invitations; and he would take care to mention the leading part
he had taken in the fight, and how he had laid the Chief Weasel
flat; and he would hint at his adventures, and what a career of
triumph he had to tell about; and on the fly-leaf he would
set out a sort of a programme of entertainment for the evening--
something like this, as he sketched it out in his head:--
SPEECH.... BY TOAD.
(There will be other speeches by TOAD during the evening.)
ADDRESS... BY TOAD
SYNOPSIS--Our Prison System--the Waterways of Old England--Horse-
dealing, and how to deal--Property, its rights and its duties--
Back to the Land--A Typical English Squire.
SONG.... BY TOAD.
(Composed by himself.)