Mr. Toad

It was a bright morning in the early part of summer; the river

had resumed its wonted banks and its accustomed pace, and a hot

sun seemed to be pulling everything green and bushy and spiky up

out of the earth towards him, as if by strings. The Mole and the

Water Rat had been up since dawn, very busy on matters connected

with boats and the opening of the boating season; painting and

varnishing, mending paddles, repairing cushions, hunting for

missing boat-hooks, and so on; and were finishing breakfast in

their little parlour and eagerly discussing their plans for the

day, when a heavy knock sounded at the door.

‘Bother!' said the Rat, all over egg. ‘See who it is, Mole, like

a good chap, since you've finished.'

The Mole went to attend the summons, and the Rat heard

him utter a cry of surprise. Then he flung the parlour door

open, and announced with much importance, ‘Mr. Badger!'

This was a wonderful thing, indeed, that the Badger should pay a

formal call on them, or indeed on anybody. He generally had to

be caught, if you wanted him badly, as he slipped quietly along a

hedgerow of an early morning or a late evening, or else hunted up

in his own house in the middle of the Wood, which was a serious

undertaking.

The Badger strode heavily into the room, and stood looking at the

two animals with an expression full of seriousness. The Rat let

his egg-spoon fall on the table-cloth, and sat open-mouthed.

‘The hour has come!' said the Badger at last with great

solemnity.

‘What hour?' asked the Rat uneasily, glancing at the clock on the

mantelpiece.

‘WHOSE hour, you should rather say,' replied the Badger.

‘Why, Toad's hour! The hour of Toad! I said I would take him in

hand as soon as the winter was well over, and I'm going to take

him in hand to-day!'

‘Toad's hour, of course!' cried the Mole delightedly.

‘Hooray! I remember now! WE'LL teach him to be a sensible

Toad!'

‘This very morning,' continued the Badger, taking an arm-chair,

‘as I learnt last night from a trustworthy source, another new

and exceptionally powerful motor-car will arrive at Toad Hall on

approval or return. At this very moment, perhaps, Toad is busy

arraying himself in those singularly hideous habiliments so dear

to him, which transform him from a (comparatively) good-looking

Toad into an Object which throws any decent-minded animal that

comes across it into a violent fit. We must be up and doing, ere

it is too late. You two animals will accompany me instantly to

Toad Hall, and the work of rescue shall be accomplished.'

‘Right you are!' cried the Rat, starting up. ‘We'll rescue the

poor unhappy animal! We'll convert him! He'll be the most

converted Toad that ever was before we've done with him!'

They set off up the road on their mission of mercy, Badger

leading the way. Animals when in company walk in a proper and

sensible manner, in single file, instead of sprawling all

across the road and being of no use or support to each other

in case of sudden trouble or danger.

They reached the carriage-drive of Toad Hall to find, as the

Badger had anticipated, a shiny new motor-car, of great size,

painted a bright red (Toad's favourite colour), standing in front

of the house. As they neared the door it was flung open, and Mr.

Toad, arrayed in goggles, cap, gaiters, and enormous overcoat,

came swaggering down the steps, drawing on his gauntleted gloves.

‘Hullo! come on, you fellows!' he cried cheerfully on catching

sight of them. ‘You're just in time to come with me for a

jolly--to come for a jolly--for a--er--jolly----'

His hearty accents faltered and fell away as he noticed the stern

unbending look on the countenances of his silent friends, and his

invitation remained unfinished.

The Badger strode up the steps. ‘Take him inside,' he said

sternly to his companions. Then, as Toad was hustled through the

door, struggling and protesting, he turned to the chauffeur in

charge of the new motor-car.

‘I'm afraid you won't be wanted to-day,' he said. ‘Mr. Toad

has changed his mind. He will not require the car. Please

understand that this is final. You needn't wait.' Then he

followed the others inside and shut the door.

‘Now then!' he said to the Toad, when the four of them stood

together in the Hall, ‘first of all, take those ridiculous things

off!'

‘Shan't!' replied Toad, with great spirit. ‘What is the meaning

of this gross outrage? I demand an instant explanation.'

‘Take them off him, then, you two,' ordered the Badger briefly.

They had to lay Toad out on the floor, kicking and calling all

sorts of names, before they could get to work properly. Then the

Rat sat on him, and the Mole got his motor-clothes off him bit by

bit, and they stood him up on his legs again. A good deal of his

blustering spirit seemed to have evaporated with the removal of

his fine panoply. Now that he was merely Toad, and no longer the

Terror of the Highway, he giggled feebly and looked from one to

the other appealingly, seeming quite to understand the situation.

‘You knew it must come to this, sooner or later, Toad,' the

Badger explained severely.

You've disregarded all the warnings we've given you, you've gone

on squandering the money your father left you, and you're getting

us animals a bad name in the district by your furious driving and

your smashes and your rows with the police. Independence is all

very well, but we animals never allow our friends to make fools

of themselves beyond a certain limit; and that limit you've

reached. Now, you're a good fellow in many respects, and I don't

want to be too hard on you. I'll make one more effort to bring

you to reason. You will come with me into the smoking-room, and

there you will hear some facts about yourself; and we'll see

whether you come out of that room the same Toad that you went

in.'

He took Toad firmly by the arm, led him into the smoking-room,

and closed the door behind them.

‘THAT'S no good!' said the Rat contemptuously. ‘TALKING to

Toad'll never cure him. He'll SAY anything.'

They made themselves comfortable in armchairs and waited

patiently. Through the closed door they could just hear the long

continuous drone of the Badger's voice, rising and falling

in waves of oratory; and presently they noticed that the sermon

began to be punctuated at intervals by long-drawn sobs, evidently

proceeding from the bosom of Toad, who was a soft-hearted and

affectionate fellow, very easily converted--for the time being--

to any point of view.

After some three-quarters of an hour the door opened, and the

Badger reappeared, solemnly leading by the paw a very limp and

dejected Toad. His skin hung baggily about him, his legs

wobbled, and his cheeks were furrowed by the tears so plentifully

called forth by the Badger's moving discourse.

‘Sit down there, Toad,' said the Badger kindly, pointing to a

chair. ‘My friends,' he went on, ‘I am pleased to inform you

that Toad has at last seen the error of his ways. He is truly

sorry for his misguided conduct in the past, and he has

undertaken to give up motor-cars entirely and for ever. I have

his solemn promise to that effect.'

‘That is very good news,' said the Mole gravely.

‘Very good news indeed,' observed the Rat dubiously, ‘if only--

IF only----'

He was looking very hard at Toad as he said this, and could not

help thinking he perceived something vaguely resembling a twinkle

in that animal's still sorrowful eye.

‘There's only one thing more to be done,' continued the gratified

Badger. ‘Toad, I want you solemnly to repeat, before your

friends here, what you fully admitted to me in the smoking-room

just now. First, you are sorry for what you've done, and you see

the folly of it all?'

There was a long, long pause. Toad looked desperately this way

and that, while the other animals waited in grave silence. At

last he spoke.

‘No!' he said, a little sullenly, but stoutly; ‘I'm NOT sorry.

And it wasn't folly at all! It was simply glorious!'

‘What?' cried the Badger, greatly scandalised. ‘You backsliding

animal, didn't you tell me just now, in there----'

‘Oh, yes, yes, in THERE,' said Toad impatiently. ‘I'd have

said anything in THERE. You're so eloquent, dear Badger, and

so moving, and so convincing, and put all your points so

frightfully well--you can do what you like with me in

THERE, and you know it. But I've been searching my mind

since, and going over things in it, and I find that I'm not a bit

sorry or repentant really, so it's no earthly good saying I am;

now, is it?'

‘Then you don't promise,' said the Badger, ‘never to touch a

motor-car again?'

‘Certainly not!' replied Toad emphatically. ‘On the contrary, I

faithfully promise that the very first motor-car I see, poop-

poop! off I go in it!'

‘Told you so, didn't I?' observed the Rat to the Mole.

‘Very well, then,' said the Badger firmly, rising to his feet.

‘Since you won't yield to persuasion, we'll try what force can

do. I feared it would come to this all along. You've often

asked us three to come and stay with you, Toad, in this handsome

house of yours; well, now we're going to. When we've converted

you to a proper point of view we may quit, but not before. Take

him upstairs, you two, and lock him up in his bedroom, while we

arrange matters between ourselves.'

‘It's for your own good, Toady, you know,' said the Rat kindly,

as Toad, kicking and struggling, was hauled up the stairs by

his two faithful friends. ‘Think what fun we shall all have

together, just as we used to, when you've quite got over this--

this painful attack of yours!'

‘We'll take great care of everything for you till you're well,

Toad,' said the Mole; ‘and we'll see your money isn't wasted, as

it has been.'

‘No more of those regrettable incidents with the police, Toad,'

said the Rat, as they thrust him into his bedroom.

‘And no more weeks in hospital, being ordered about by female

nurses, Toad,' added the Mole, turning the key on him.

They descended the stair, Toad shouting abuse at them through the

keyhole; and the three friends then met in conference on the

situation.

‘It's going to be a tedious business,' said the Badger, sighing.

‘I've never seen Toad so determined. However, we will see it

out. He must never be left an instant unguarded. We shall have

to take it in turns to be with him, till the poison has worked

itself out of his system.'

They arranged watches accordingly. Each animal took it in turns

to sleep in Toad's room at night, and they divided the day up

between them. At first Toad was undoubtedly very trying to his

careful guardians. When his violent paroxysms possessed him he

would arrange bedroom chairs in rude resemblance of a motor-car

and would crouch on the foremost of them, bent forward and

staring fixedly ahead, making uncouth and ghastly noises, till

the climax was reached, when, turning a complete somersault, he

would lie prostrate amidst the ruins of the chairs, apparently

completely satisfied for the moment. As time passed, however,

these painful seizures grew gradually less frequent, and his

friends strove to divert his mind into fresh channels. But his

interest in other matters did not seem to revive, and he grew

apparently languid and depressed.

One fine morning the Rat, whose turn it was to go on duty, went

upstairs to relieve Badger, whom he found fidgeting to be off and

stretch his legs in a long ramble round his wood and down his

earths and burrows. ‘Toad's still in bed,' he told the Rat,

outside the door. ‘Can't get much out of him, except, "O leave

him alone, he wants nothing, perhaps he'll be better

presently, it may pass off in time, don't be unduly anxious," and

so on. Now, you look out, Rat! When Toad's quiet and submissive

and playing at being the hero of a Sunday-school prize, then he's

at his artfullest. There's sure to be something up. I know him.

Well, now, I must be off.'

‘How are you to-day, old chap?' inquired the Rat cheerfully, as

he approached Toad's bedside.

He had to wait some minutes for an answer. At last a feeble

voice replied, ‘Thank you so much, dear Ratty! So good of you to

inquire! But first tell me how you are yourself, and the

excellent Mole?'

‘O, WE'RE all right,' replied the Rat. ‘Mole,' he added

incautiously, ‘is going out for a run round with Badger. They'll

be out till luncheon time, so you and I will spend a pleasant

morning together, and I'll do my best to amuse you. Now jump up,

there's a good fellow, and don't lie moping there on a fine

morning like this!'

‘Dear, kind Rat,' murmured Toad, ‘how little you realise my

condition, and how very far I am from "jumping up" now--if ever!

But do not trouble about me. I hate being a burden to my

friends, and I do not expect to be one much longer. Indeed, I

almost hope not.'

‘Well, I hope not, too,' said the Rat heartily. ‘You've been a

fine bother to us all this time, and I'm glad to hear it's going

to stop. And in weather like this, and the boating season just

beginning! It's too bad of you, Toad! It isn't the trouble we

mind, but you're making us miss such an awful lot.'

‘I'm afraid it IS the trouble you mind, though,' replied the

Toad languidly. ‘I can quite understand it. It's natural

enough. You're tired of bothering about me. I mustn't ask you

to do anything further. I'm a nuisance, I know.'

‘You are, indeed,' said the Rat. ‘But I tell you, I'd take any

trouble on earth for you, if only you'd be a sensible animal.'

‘If I thought that, Ratty,' murmured Toad, more feebly than ever,

‘then I would beg you--for the last time, probably--to step round

to the village as quickly as possible--even now it may be too

late--and fetch the doctor. But don't you bother. It's only a

trouble, and perhaps we may as well let things take their

course.'

‘Why, what do you want a doctor for?' inquired the Rat, coming

closer and examining him. He certainly lay very still and flat,

and his voice was weaker and his manner much changed.

‘Surely you have noticed of late----' murmured Toad. ‘But, no--

why should you? Noticing things is only a trouble. To-morrow,

indeed, you may be saying to yourself, "O, if only I had noticed

sooner! If only I had done something!" But no; it's a trouble.

Never mind--forget that I asked.'

‘Look here, old man,' said the Rat, beginning to get rather

alarmed, ‘of course I'll fetch a doctor to you, if you really

think you want him. But you can hardly be bad enough for that

yet. Let's talk about something else.'

‘I fear, dear friend,' said Toad, with a sad smile, ‘that "talk"

can do little in a case like this--or doctors either, for that

matter; still, one must grasp at the slightest straw. And, by

the way--while you are about it--I HATE to give you additional

trouble, but I happen to remember that you will pass the door--

would you mind at the same time asking the lawyer to step up? It

would be a convenience to me, and there are moments--perhaps

I should say there is A moment--when one must face

disagreeable tasks, at whatever cost to exhausted nature!'

‘A lawyer! O, he must be really bad!' the affrighted Rat said to

himself, as he hurried from the room, not forgetting, however, to

lock the door carefully behind him.

Outside, he stopped to consider. The other two were far away,

and he had no one to consult.

‘It's best to be on the safe side,' he said, on reflection.

‘I've known Toad fancy himself frightfully bad before, without

the slightest reason; but I've never heard him ask for a lawyer!

If there's nothing really the matter, the doctor will tell him

he's an old ass, and cheer him up; and that will be something

gained. I'd better humour him and go; it won't take very long.'

So he ran off to the village on his errand of mercy.

The Toad, who had hopped lightly out of bed as soon as he heard

the key turned in the lock, watched him eagerly from the window

till he disappeared down the carriage-drive. Then, laughing

heartily, he dressed as quickly as possible in the smartest

suit he could lay hands on at the moment, filled his pockets with

cash which he took from a small drawer in the dressing-table, and

next, knotting the sheets from his bed together and tying one end

of the improvised rope round the central mullion of the handsome

Tudor window which formed such a feature of his bedroom, he

scrambled out, slid lightly to the ground, and, taking the

opposite direction to the Rat, marched off lightheartedly,

whistling a merry tune.

It was a gloomy luncheon for Rat when the Badger and the Mole at

length returned, and he had to face them at table with his

pitiful and unconvincing story. The Badger's caustic, not to say

brutal, remarks may be imagined, and therefore passed over; but

it was painful to the Rat that even the Mole, though he took his

friend's side as far as possible, could not help saying, ‘You've

been a bit of a duffer this time, Ratty! Toad, too, of all

animals!'

‘He did it awfully well,' said the crestfallen Rat.

‘He did YOU awfully well!' rejoined the Badger hotly.

‘However, talking won't mend matters. He's got clear away for

the time, that's certain; and the worst of it is, he'll be

so conceited with what he'll think is his cleverness that he may

commit any folly. One comfort is, we're free now, and needn't

waste any more of our precious time doing sentry-go. But we'd

better continue to sleep at Toad Hall for a while longer. Toad

may be brought back at any moment--on a stretcher, or between two

policemen.'

So spoke the Badger, not knowing what the future held in store,

or how much water, and of how turbid a character, was to run

under bridges before Toad should sit at ease again in his

ancestral Hall.

Meanwhile, Toad, gay and irresponsible, was walking briskly along

the high road, some miles from home. At first he had taken by-

paths, and crossed many fields, and changed his course several

times, in case of pursuit; but now, feeling by this time safe

from recapture, and the sun smiling brightly on him, and all

Nature joining in a chorus of approval to the song of self-praise

that his own heart was singing to him, he almost danced along the

road in his satisfaction and conceit.

‘Smart piece of work that!' he remarked to himself chuckling.

‘Brain against brute force--and brain came out on the top--as

it's bound to do. Poor old Ratty! My! won't he catch it when

the Badger gets back! A worthy fellow, Ratty, with many good

qualities, but very little intelligence and absolutely no

education. I must take him in hand some day, and see if I can

make something of him.'

Filled full of conceited thoughts such as these he strode along,

his head in the air, till he reached a little town, where the

sign of ‘The Red Lion,' swinging across the road halfway down the

main street, reminded him that he had not breakfasted that day,

and that he was exceedingly hungry after his long walk. He

marched into the Inn, ordered the best luncheon that could be

provided at so short a notice, and sat down to eat it in the

coffee-room.

He was about half-way through his meal when an only too familiar

sound, approaching down the street, made him start and fall a-

trembling all over. The poop-poop! drew nearer and nearer, the

car could be heard to turn into the inn-yard and come to a stop,

and Toad had to hold on to the leg of the table to conceal

his over-mastering emotion. Presently the party entered the

coffee-room, hungry, talkative, and gay, voluble on their

experiences of the morning and the merits of the chariot that had

brought them along so well. Toad listened eagerly, all ears, for

a time; at last he could stand it no longer. He slipped out of

the room quietly, paid his bill at the bar, and as soon as he got

outside sauntered round quietly to the inn-yard. ‘There cannot

be any harm,' he said to himself, ‘in my only just LOOKING at

it!'

The car stood in the middle of the yard, quite unattended, the

stable-helps and other hangers-on being all at their dinner.

Toad walked slowly round it, inspecting, criticising, musing

deeply.

‘I wonder,' he said to himself presently, ‘I wonder if this sort

of car STARTS easily?'

Next moment, hardly knowing how it came about, he found he had

hold of the handle and was turning it. As the familiar sound

broke forth, the old passion seized on Toad and completely

mastered him, body and soul. As if in a dream he found himself,

somehow, seated in the driver's seat; as if in a dream, he

pulled the lever and swung the car round the yard and out through

the archway; and, as if in a dream, all sense of right and wrong,

all fear of obvious consequences, seemed temporarily suspended.

He increased his pace, and as the car devoured the street and

leapt forth on the high road through the open country, he was

only conscious that he was Toad once more, Toad at his best and

highest, Toad the terror, the traffic-queller, the Lord of the

lone trail, before whom all must give way or be smitten into

nothingness and everlasting night. He chanted as he flew, and

the car responded with sonorous drone; the miles were eaten up

under him as he sped he knew not whither, fulfilling his

instincts, living his hour, reckless of what might come to him.

‘To my mind,' observed the Chairman of the Bench of Magistrates

cheerfully, ‘the ONLY difficulty that presents itself in this

otherwise very clear case is, how we can possibly make it

sufficiently hot for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian

whom we see cowering in the dock before us. Let me see: he has

been found guilty, on the clearest evidence, first, of

stealing a valuable motor-car; secondly, of driving to the public

danger; and, thirdly, of gross impertinence to the rural police.

Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please, what is the very stiffest

penalty we can impose for each of these offences? Without, of

course, giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt, because

there isn't any.'

The Clerk scratched his nose with his pen. ‘Some people would

consider,' he observed, ‘that stealing the motor-car was the

worst offence; and so it is. But cheeking the police undoubtedly

carries the severest penalty; and so it ought. Supposing you

were to say twelve months for the theft, which is mild; and three

years for the furious driving, which is lenient; and fifteen

years for the cheek, which was pretty bad sort of cheek, judging

by what we've heard from the witness-box, even if you only

believe one-tenth part of what you heard, and I never believe

more myself--those figures, if added together correctly, tot up

to nineteen years----'

‘First-rate!' said the Chairman.

‘--So you had better make it a round twenty years and be on

the safe side,' concluded the Clerk.

‘An excellent suggestion!' said the Chairman approvingly.

‘Prisoner! Pull yourself together and try and stand up straight.

It's going to be twenty years for you this time. And mind, if

you appear before us again, upon any charge whatever, we shall

have to deal with you very seriously!'

Then the brutal minions of the law fell upon the hapless Toad;

loaded him with chains, and dragged him from the Court House,

shrieking, praying, protesting; across the marketplace, where the

playful populace, always as severe upon detected crime as they

are sympathetic and helpful when one is merely ‘wanted,' assailed

him with jeers, carrots, and popular catch-words; past hooting

school children, their innocent faces lit up with the pleasure

they ever derive from the sight of a gentleman in difficulties;

across the hollow-sounding drawbridge, below the spiky

portcullis, under the frowning archway of the grim old castle,

whose ancient towers soared high overhead; past guardrooms full

of grinning soldiery off duty, past sentries who coughed in a

horrid, sarcastic way, because that is as much as a sentry

on his post dare do to show his contempt and abhorrence of crime;

up time-worn winding stairs, past men-at-arms in casquet and

corselet of steel, darting threatening looks through their

vizards; across courtyards, where mastiffs strained at their

leash and pawed the air to get at him; past ancient warders,

their halberds leant against the wall, dozing over a pasty and a

flagon of brown ale; on and on, past the rack-chamber and the

thumbscrew-room, past the turning that led to the private

scaffold, till they reached the door of the grimmest dungeon that

lay in the heart of the innermost keep. There at last they

paused, where an ancient gaoler sat fingering a bunch of mighty

keys.

‘Oddsbodikins!' said the sergeant of police, taking off his

helmet and wiping his forehead. ‘Rouse thee, old loon, and take

over from us this vile Toad, a criminal of deepest guilt and

matchless artfulness and resource. Watch and ward him with all

thy skill; and mark thee well, greybeard, should aught untoward

befall, thy old head shall answer for his--and a murrain on both

of them!'

The gaoler nodded grimly, laying his withered hand on the

shoulder of the miserable Toad. The rusty key creaked in the

lock, the great door clanged behind them; and Toad was a helpless

prisoner in the remotest dungeon of the best-guarded keep of the

stoutest castle in all the length and breadth of Merry England.

VII