The Toad--came--home!
There was panic in the parlours and bowling in the halls,
There was crying in the cow-sheds and shrieking in the stalls,
When the Toad--came--home!
When the Toad--came--home!
There was smashing in of window and crashing in of door,
There was chivvying of weasels that fainted on the floor,
When the Toad--came--home!
Bang! go the drums!
The trumpeters are tooting and the soldiers are saluting,
And the cannon they are shooting and the motor-cars are hooting,
As the--Hero--comes!
Shout--Hoo-ray!
And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud,
In honour of an animal of whom you're justly proud,
For it's Toad's--great--day!
He sang this very loud, with great unction and expression; and
when he had done, he sang it all over again.
Then he heaved a deep sigh; a long, long, long sigh.
Then he dipped his hairbrush in the water-jug, parted his hair in
the middle, and plastered it down very straight and sleek on each
side of his face; and, unlocking the door, went quietly down the
stairs to greet his guests, who he knew must be assembling in the
drawing-room.
All the animals cheered when he entered, and crowded round to
congratulate him and say nice things about his courage, and his
cleverness, and his fighting qualities; but Toad only smiled
faintly, and murmured, ‘Not at all!' Or, sometimes, for a
change, ‘On the contrary!' Otter, who was standing on the
hearthrug, describing to an admiring circle of friends exactly
how he would have managed things had he been there, came
forward with a shout, threw his arm round Toad's neck, and tried
to take him round the room in triumphal progress; but Toad, in a
mild way, was rather snubby to him, remarking gently, as he
disengaged himself, ‘Badger's was the mastermind; the Mole and
the Water Rat bore the brunt of the fighting; I merely served in
the ranks and did little or nothing.' The animals were evidently
puzzled and taken aback by this unexpected attitude of his; and
Toad felt, as he moved from one guest to the other, making his
modest responses, that he was an object of absorbing interest to
every one.
The Badger had ordered everything of the best, and the banquet
was a great success. There was much talking and laughter and
chaff among the animals, but through it all Toad, who of course
was in the chair, looked down his nose and murmured pleasant
nothings to the animals on either side of him. At intervals he
stole a glance at the Badger and the Rat, and always when he
looked they were staring at each other with their mouths open;
and this gave him the greatest satisfaction. Some of the younger
and livelier animals, as the evening wore on, got whispering to
each other that things were not so amusing as they used to be in
the good old days; and there were some knockings on the table and
cries of ‘Toad! Speech! Speech from Toad! Song! Mr. Toad's
song!' But Toad only shook his head gently, raised one paw in
mild protest, and, by pressing delicacies on his guests, by
topical small-talk, and by earnest inquiries after members of
their families not yet old enough to appear at social functions,
managed to convey to them that this dinner was being run on
strictly conventional lines.
He was indeed an altered Toad!
After this climax, the four animals continued to lead their
lives, so rudely broken in upon by civil war, in great joy and
contentment, undisturbed by further risings or invasions. Toad,
after due consultation with his friends, selected a handsome gold
chain and locket set with pearls, which he dispatched to the
gaoler's daughter with a letter that even the Badger admitted to
be modest, grateful, and appreciative; and the engine-driver, in
his turn, was properly thanked and compensated for all his pains
and trouble. Under severe compulsion from the Badger, even the
barge-woman was, with some trouble, sought out and the value of
her horse discreetly made good to her; though Toad kicked
terribly at this, holding himself to be an instrument of Fate,
sent to punish fat women with mottled arms who couldn't tell a
real gentleman when they saw one. The amount involved, it was
true, was not very burdensome, the gipsy's valuation being
admitted by local assessors to be approximately correct.
Sometimes, in the course of long summer evenings, the friends
would take a stroll together in the Wild Wood, now successfully
tamed so far as they were concerned; and it was pleasing to see
how respectfully they were greeted by the inhabitants, and how
the mother-weasels would bring their young ones to the mouths of
their holes, and say, pointing, ‘Look, baby! There goes the
great Mr. Toad! And that's the gallant Water Rat, a
terrible fighter, walking along o' him! And yonder comes the
famous Mr. Mole, of whom you so often have heard your father
tell!' But when their infants were fractious and quite beyond
control, they would quiet them by telling how, if they didn't
hush them and not fret them, the terrible grey Badger would up
and get them. This was a base libel on Badger, who, though he
cared little about Society, was rather fond of children; but it
never failed to have its full effect.
End