Witness, Heaven, how often I lie down in my bed with a wish, and
even a hope, that I may never awaken again. And in the morning,
when I open my eyes, I behold the sun once more, and am wretched.
If I were whimsical, I might blame the weather, or an acquaintance,
or some personal disappointment, for my discontented mind; and then
this insupportable load of trouble would not rest entirely upon
myself. But, alas! I feel it too sadly. I am alone the cause
of my own woe, am I not? Truly, my own bosom contains the source
of all my sorrow, as it previously contained the source of all my
pleasure. Am I not the same being who once enjoyed an excess of
happiness, who, at every step, saw paradise open before him, and
whose heart was ever expanded toward the whole world? And this
heart is now dead, no sentiment can revive it; my eyes are dry;
and my senses, no more refreshed by the influence of soft tears,
wither and consume my brain. I suffer much, for I have lost the
only charm of life: that active, sacred power which created worlds
around me, -- it is no more. When I look from my window at the
distant hills, and behold the morning sun breaking through the
mists, and illuminating the country around, which is still wrapped
in silence, whilst the soft stream winds gently through the willows,
which have shed their leaves; when glorious nature displays all
her beauties before me, and her wondrous prospects are ineffectual
to extract one tear of joy from my withered heart, I feel that in
such a moment I stand like a reprobate before heaven, hardened,
insensible, and unmoved. Oftentimes do I then bend my knee to the
earth, and implore God for the blessing of tears, as the desponding
labourer in some scorching climate prays for the dews of heaven
to moisten his parched corn.
But I feel that God does not grant sunshine or rain to our
importunate entreaties. And oh, those bygone days, whose memory
now torments me! why were they so fortunate? Because I then
waited with patience for the blessings of the Eternal, and received
his gifts with the grateful feelings of a thankful heart.